Death Again?
January 20, 2012 // By: Bob Hamp // 20 Comments
The year was 1983, and I was beginning a path to the great future I have always believed was ahead. Finally on the path to actually complete my education, I was home for Christmas break. I had no way to know that the “I” who came home was not the “I” who would return to finish my degree. I died that year.
I had already had one radical turn of events years earlier, when my avowed “I don’t believe in God” heart, in a moment, surrendered to God’s love. I was born again, five years earlier, also around Christmas time.
Entering the family of God had been a great move for me. I was lonely, and my family had been disintegrating. I certainly had no “in” at school. I had no pedigree, and I had no confidence. Insecurity walked me down the halls everyday.
These new friends, these Christians, they liked me, and even seemed to believe I was somebody. So I bought it. I began to act like who they told me I was. It wasn’t long, before I birthed this new persona. This new guy looked like a combination of all my favorite traits of this new crowd. And best of all, it worked for me. More people noticed me. More people said nice things about me. It became the nicest vicious circle I have ever lived. I faked it, they liked me. They liked me, I faked it more.
It wasn’t totally fake. It was as real as I was able to manufacture out of my own personhood. It was working pretty well, until Christmas break 1983. Someone called me out. Showed me I was faking it.
Once you see something, it is difficult (though not impossible for humans) to un-see. Once the truth has been told, denial is three times harder to regain. Maybe more. Square in my eyes, I knew it was true. I was trying to prove to the world that I was myself. Or, at least whoever I thought I was.
The light had hit me, and I was exposed. I wasn’t misbehaving, I just wasn’t real. False confidence felt better than true insecurity. Until I saw that it was false.
I was still a bit stunned as I returned to my little Christian school in West Texas. I had been there long enough to show the false guy to most of my student body. They liked him too. In fact, they promoted him and told others what a great guy he was. Dang that felt good. It would have been nice to go back to that. But to go back to that, I would have to go back to the fake guy.
Even more difficult, I wasn’t really sure how to become another guy. The only thing I knew was how to manufacture something else, and that seemed like the thing that had gotten me in trouble.
So I just went back and stopped pretending. I stopped giving oxygen and food to that guy, and he began to die. Dang it was a slow death. And frustratingly this dying was undoing all the good that the dying guy had been doing for me.
People liked the other guy, they wanted this guy to cheer up. It is hard to cheer up as you die.
One of them was kind enough to let me know that Christians were not supposed to be so down all the time. All I knew was that I was committed to a path of not reviving the dying guy. If I was going to be somebody, God was going to have to make me somebody.
I told my friend that I had seen that I was a fake, and that underneath my false self was all this insecurity and fear, and weakness. They told me that if I keep dwelling on that stuff it would kill me.
That’s when I realized I was dying, and that I was supposed to be dying. I had tried to “reckon myself dead” before like the Bible said, but all I ended up with was a bunch of repressed desires and a false front. Now I was just dying, and waiting for God to make me alive again. Several months later, I began to feel a spark of life that did not come from me. I began to breathe again, and bit by bit, Joy returned. This time, I was not manufacturing it. God was putting new life in me.
I was glad I went through that in 1983. I have told people for years that I died to myself back then.
The year is 2012 and I am well down the path toward the great future that I have always believed is ahead. I had no idea that the “I” who began this year would not be the “I” who finishes it. Bear with me, I might not look like a good Christian for a while.
20 Comments
It’s hard to put aside the desire to be “valued” by other people. In fact, that desire is deeply rooted in the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and letting it go feels like death. But you just said, “If I was going to be somebody, God was going to have to make me somebody.” Look at your own story. God took you from unsaved, to saved and false, to saved and knowing your identity in Christ, and then taught you to show others how to do the same. Each time and phase was a quantum leap to a level you couldn’t see before or during the process, just in hindsight. During this time, anyone that sees you as a less than “good Christian” (ultimate oxymoron) may be removed from your life. Let them go.
You decided a long time ago to take the red pill, be weak, lean on HIM and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
I’m certain the acrobat had his share of inauthentic feelings along the path as well.
Blessings!
When all else fails, Let Go and Let GOD ( know its a cliche but for me, There is no other way)
Shalom
AH
I understand completely! It reminds me of a snake that has to shed it’s old skin to make way for new. New growth, new life, new seasons… after which we live again and are stronger for it!
Removing snakes around you gave you a clearer view of the inside. the snakes that lived in you soon disappeared & died. you must be proud of what got you hear though, don’t cast it all as evil because there was good there too… that is what made you the person you are today, the beautiful you. anyway, i loved it… excuse my excessive rhyming because i am on a rhyming trip here.. #Love
Dear Bob,.
I have been in the process of dying for the last year and a half. It sucks! I have learned some valuable things about myself. I realized how dependent on “man” I was for one thing. God has slowly (painfully) removed some of my friends who couldn’t hang in there with me. That was hard but revealed to me how dependent I was on them for my peace. They are still friends and I still love them. I am still dying to things as I write this. You have been and will be an amazing teacher and this post makes me trust you even more. I pray for Gods love and strength and goodness to comfort you. You ARE a blessing!!!
Denise…thanks for the words of encouragement, and support. I am sorry and glad to hear you are dying too!. This is a perfect place to meet God.
Why, oh why didn’t I take the blue pill…but seriously, thanks Cindy.
Bob, while everyone was ringing in the new year, I was listening to your Dying to self class online. And then i listened again. Along with hidden heart and a few others.
I am too dying to self. I see God pruning away. And it’s a painful process.
This last year I haven’t looked like a good Christian. Because I stopped pretending everything was ok. I’ve been the good Christian all my life. Preachers kid, pastors wife. Did the right stuff. Said the right stuff. Then there was this 3 yr valley I never thought I would walk. Then I came to gateway, and I didnt have to have all the answers anymore. I didn’t even have to pretend to be happy anymore. There was finally this safe place to shed all those layers of a me that God never intended for me. I
don’t want to be a good christian, but a transformed one by His truth. It sounds like you are in a cacoon being transformed once again. But the light will shine again.
Thank you, Bob… My story for the last 3 years… It sure has been ugly, but the true joy and peace that He places inside so far outweighs the things we manufacture out of our own efforts… Love you, Pastor Bob… Praying for you…
I just reread My Utmost for His Highest for Jan. 20th and the following excerpt reminded me of some of what you’ve expressed …
“Keep your whole life continually open to Jesus Christ. Don’t pretend to be open with Him. Are you drawing your life from any other source than God Himself? If you are depending up something else as your source of freshness and strength, you will not realize when His power is gone.”
Amen!
Give yourself some space. Being a “personality” can make you feel that you have to always be “that” person others think you are. We are constantly changing, evolving. Be who God created you to be. It’s ok to have multiple personalities as long as all of them love God.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry – so I did both. If you begin to feel like a Pied-pier it’s because there is a church-full of “children” needing to die that are following you. Gulp!
Aww man the winter is for dying. I’ve been through some winters. Feels a lot like winter now. My heart has great hope that to every Winter a Spring comes …
This post made me cringe, gasp, breathe … all giving hope that when He leads us to death … it’s for greater life.
Thanks for sharing this Bob, the Holy Spirit will use it to break through to many people.
Ditto to that last paragraph!
Welcome to the company, Pastor Bob! I have gone through a pretty thorough death in the last few months of 2011. It was painfully dark yet I heard God’s voice most. I shed most tears yet I worshiped most vibrantly and laughed with Him wholeheartedly because God told me not to attempt to understand but just had faith in Him. Pruning is painful yet it will bring forth much fruit, His fruit. In your July blog: “What Kind of God Makes All Things New by Dying?” You wrote:
“Need anything made new? … His plan is like no other. No one else would dream of a strategy like His. His plan began with a cross, an instrument of His own death. Then from a place normally associated with ultimate endings, God generated the ultimate New Beginning.” Pastor Bob, God loves you and He is ready to take you to a new height. I love you and appreciate all that you do!
Your journey is stretching out to Ethiopia now!! A young pastor we know is teaching the foundations
classes! Thanks for your honesty and transparency. I guess it’s a lot easier when you finally know
who you are! Blessings Bob!
Thank you for that. Im pretty sure Im doing all the right things and saying all the right things…but Im not feeling right. I know that some of what is coming out is my authentic self but my heart isnt all in. I see where I want to go, over there where people can sit in His presense and just be….but Ive felt so blocked. Like some invisible line man is blocking me and knocking me down. Its a mind opener to read this and comforting to know its just me I need to get around. Thanks for being so real.
I remember walking through my “1983″ in 2008 when my Gateway Group leader called out the same in me… Called me to freedom and to become genuine. Hit me odd at first, but it berthed something that killed off the old self and now I can’t even recognize that I was once the way I was… Praise be to Him! Thank you Bob for helping to create an environment at our church that breathes this stuff over its congregants!!