Trust

Posted on January 10, 2015

They say that among those who have the most difficult time with trauma, are those who have stood on buckling ground in the midst of an earthquake. It is this betrayal by the planet of what we all call “solid Ground” that makes it difficult for people to feel safe following such a shake-up. When that which we have always assumed is unshakeable is shaken right below our feet, it shifts our fundamental assumption of safety. It shakes not just the ground, it shakes our basic trust.

All trauma, from abuse to natural disaster has as one of its most destructive forces the direct result of deeply affecting the human evaluation of whether or not the world is a safe place; a place where protection and justice can be found. Somewhere in the deep recesses of our soul, we all have a stance, a position relative to our own safety in our human existence.

Will the earth fall apart under my feet? Will the humans in my life help me or harm me? Is it safe to engage? Am I safe emotionally, physically, spiritually? Are men safe? Are women safe? Are people in authority safe? Somewhere lodged on the inside of our soul, we all have our answers to these questions and we enter into life in the ways we believe will most keep us safe.

When I was a kid, my mother invited me into an exercise called the trust fall. Her adult friends stood in a circle and I would stand in the middle, lock my legs, close my eyes and fall. Stiff-legged, I would hit the ground if some adult in the circle did not catch me. The way I remember it, as a kid, I was very trusting. I could remain completely stiff and fall without any self-protection. I remember believing this; I was a kid, they were adults; of course they will not drop me. Until one did.

Somewhere inside something fundamental changed. Adults don’t always take care of kids. The “of course” disappeared. I would still stand in the middle, but now I was reserved, ready to catch myself.

The greatest casualty of 2014 was my “of course”. Of course everyone will sacrifice their selfish needs for a greater good. Of course people will take the time to know the truth before they form opinions. Of course “right” will always win out in the end. Of course people will do what is right instead of what is self-protective. Of course they will not drop me. Until they did.

This year my therapist told me that I want to trust people so badly, that I attribute characteristics to them that they do not have, and then I trust based on my own projections. That, of course, was ridiculous. Why would I do such a thing? That would be foolish and dangerous. Then I discovered he was right.

I want the comfort of putting myself in other people’s hands and letting them come through. Don’t you?

I believe in the value of open-heartedness. I believe in the power of vulnerability. I believe in risk taking love. I believe that living with an open heart invites others to do the same, while simultaneously providing a conduit for God Himself to enter the world through that opening.

And I believe that this may well be one of the most dangerous ways to live. What if in all that risk taking, instead of soft arms catching you, you find yourself bouncing painfully on the hard floor?

In 2014 I was dropped. Ground that had I had assumed was stable, buckled under my feet. One of the most devastating forms of being dropped, is when trusted allies look at you while you nurse the bruise, and tell you that you are imagining, and you weren’t really just dropped. Now you are not just bruised, you might just be crazy. And you might be alone.

Between the bruises, the admonition to fall again, and the constant message that I wasn’t really falling, I finally left the circle. I didn’t just lean, prepared to catch myself. I stood, refused to fall, went to my room and took a long hard look at why I trusted in such ridiculous ways.

When I said in an earlier post that I isolated, I isolated. For a season, I went from too much trust, to virtually no trust. No ground was safe, and nobody would see my heart. Sadly, by the time this happens, it is usually the time when we most need for our heart to be seen.

Not everyone should be trusted with your most vulnerable you. Some will absolutely take advantage of that you. Others may simply not know what to do with a human heart. Some may not even recognize that you have given them anything of value. When Jesus said not to put your pearls in front of pigs, He is not trying to insult people, he is simply saying that not all living creatures have a taste for rare gems.

Not all humans know how to handle a human heart. If you decide to offer people your heart, do so with accurate expectations.

Like dreaming, trust is returning. But in this case, I had to learn how to give my trust wisely instead of blindly. The first time I am bruised I can question the other. The second and consecutive bruises, I must now begin to question myself.

It is not a tenet of “Christian forgiveness” that you should put your heart in the hands of those who have proven themselves untrustworthy. It is wisdom to guard your heart above all else. Forgiveness simply allows you to withhold yourself from a position of love instead of fear. Forgiving one who hurt you allows you to make a choice for your safety instead of living in bondage and reactivity to the poison of their lack of care.

For my trust to return. I have had to learn to trust my own discernment. I have had to make choices about who is trustworthy and who is likely to drop me. It is not a lack of forgiveness to decide not to trust. If history has shown someone untrustworthy, it is simply wisdom and self-care to not give them access.

I had to learn that open heartedness did not mean foolishness. I have begun to trust again, but I have done so by learning this hard lesson from John Chapter 2.

But Jesus, on his side, did not trust himself to them—for he knew them all. He did not need anyone to tell him what people were like: he understood human nature. – John 2:24-25 Phillips Translation

Learning to trust again, also meant learning when not to trust.

Learning to trust again meant first learning to trust myself.

Learning to trust again meant making choices that at first felt selfish.

Learning to trust again meant letting go of some things

I still find myself hesitant and tentative, but I am taking risks again. I am being much more wise about my risks, but I refuse to live my life in fear.


  • Randy

    It’s unique that we will admonish others to not be reckless with our heart and yet we (I) will turn around ignore that admonishment and I will be reckless with my heart. And in the pain of the aftermath I will look to them a question why they were reckless. There is a share of blame that falls to them, but I also share in the blame for they should never have been entrusted with my heart to begin with.

  • Debi Whelan

    Oh. My. Had to read this one twice. I always thought you were very open, but this level of vulnerability… wow Bob. So good.

  • superbeck

    =)

  • MelaneeLIsa

    “I am being much more wise about my risks, but I refuse to live my life in fear.”
    +++
    HalleluYAH!!!!!!!
    Praise You, KING YESHUA!!!!!!!
    Go, Bro-Bob!!!!!!!
    I love you, Bob-man!!!

  • JEANETTE KAY

    Well… this is exactly what I have learned, but you put words to it so well. Thank you!

  • Anthony Coppedge

    You wrote: “Forgiveness simply allows you to withhold yourself from a position of love instead of fear. Forgiving one who hurt you allows you to make a choice for your safety instead of living in bondage and reactivity to the poison of their lack of care.”

    Love instead of fear. This is the point; the perspective shift from ‘what I won’t do’ to ‘what I will do’. Fear leads to withdrawal and rejection of the other person as they are. Love leads to new ways of communicating, healthy love-inspired boundaries, and the understanding that the one who hurt is was first hurt themselves; hurt people hurt people.

    Too often, I’ve transposed fear over love when I’ve been hurt and reacted in a way that either A) removes me from any relationship with that person, or B) makes me hurt them first in any new situations so they can’t be the instigator of new, fresh wounds that I fully expect them to inflict upon me.

    Since Jesus said we are to love our enemies, it follows that I’m to love those who are not my enemies but have hurt me nonetheless. Loving these people isn’t assuming the best, but it’s also not preemptively firing a warning shot across the conversational bow. In instances where the person who hurt me continues to try to inflict harm (emotional or physical), my love may look like adding distance to our relationship when they show no signs of both accepting responsibility and demonstrating a new, healthy approach. But what I have remember, and what you wrote about eloquently, is that I cannot assume the worst and live reactively. Equally as important, I must look for opportunities to demonstrate love through clear, candid conversation, healthy boundaries, and a grace-filled approach to forgiveness.

    This is not simple stuff….or maybe it is, but ‘simple’ and ‘hard’ sometimes coincide. Thanks for sharing your journey, learnings, and heart.

  • angie monroe

    While the entire post was good meaty stuff, the opening really struck a chord with me. I have never experienced an earthquake. I don’t have 1st hand knowledge of how that would feel, but then again I do. Years ago, I suffered a brutal trauma, I remember as I was lying on the floor, it felt as if it was shaking, when I woke up in the hospital, I again felt a trembling and swaying of my bed. Even in the 20+ years since then when anxiety grew and my safety was in jeopardy, I would experience the feeling of the ground shaking.

    Recently, I went though some in depth therapy, and bonding through a class that had me face that situation all over again. This time, it was stripped of it’s power to rock my world. There have been a couple of times since that I would “Normally” (it seems so funny that I had accepted that as the norm for me) have felt the world shifting under my feet. Through my healing, I again trust, not only in myself, but in God who has been there all along. The ground is steady under my feet for the first time in 20+ years and without you writing this post, I am not sure how long it would have taken me to realize this victory.

  • BabsCoppedge

    I have so much that has stirred my heart from this post, and maybe I will come back and post again. Maybe. But more than what has moved me–what has been shaken inside me–I want to acknowledge you, and what’s happening here. Vulnerability and Transparency. You have taught on them. You have written about them. You have counseled about the need for them to others (myself and my husband included). But there’s a shift that’s happened, and it’s tangible. In these past three posts you have dived into the deep end of transparency by opening yourself to us here in a way you haven’t before. You are deeply exampling what vulnerability looks like, and by that example you are not only giving permission for others to jump in too, but you are also, through this medium, coming out of isolation, bit by bit. And what a beautiful thing that is. As you come out, others will be encouraged to follow and be inspired to come out of hiding too. Because that’s just how the kingdom works. We are called to inspire others. To deposit courage into them with our own lives. To call them out into light. To love them back into trust. And to give them a reason to believe that while may have been necessary for a time, the time may be now to see what God has waiting on the other side of the door. Don’t stop writing. A shift is happening.

  • Lauren Fitch

    This is wonderful and beautiful, but also heartbreaking. I am so glad that you are learning to dream and trust again. My heart hurts for you, but I am also excited for you. I remember that feeling of falling and realizing that no one would catch me…But I also remember the moment, like it was yesterday, when I started to trust again. Learning to trust again will be like taking a deep breath of fresh air after almost suffocating for a really long time. That moment is why I am excited for you! Hugs and prayers being sent your way.

  • superbeck

    I’ve been mulling over the words and concepts you’ve written about lately. I think I’ve got something to say. Or share, actually. I was listening to this song again today and it seems to go with what you’ve written recently. For me, at least. Maybe it’ll encourage you too. http://youtu.be/FlL8LayF0uw

  • superbeck

    Woah that’s a huge link/embedded video. Sorry.

  • Guest

    I just read this for what feels like the millionth time. I love when you share your heart. This one though, it is beautiful… but it is hard. Hard to read and hear your pain and hard to read and know my own pain.

  • Keep on rocking on, Bob.

  • Nandy

    I read your posts and read your posts…so hard because of my tears…

  • Lenore Ludlow

    “Forgiveness simply allows you to withhold yourself from a position of love instead of fear.”
    Thank you for writing this a year ago. It’s exactly what my heart needed to hear today.

  • Bettathen Uraverage

    Wow this hit home for me this morning wow